Much attention is given to the proper pre-sip swirl of wine: will people think I’m a lush if I just immediately drink the stuff? Will I look pretentious if I swirl and sniff? For how long do I need to swirl?
(Possibly/Almost definitely/Just long enough to think up several exotic fruits, flowers, and some incomprehensible term that sounds vaguely French.)
But let’s take a step back. We give too much credit to most wine-drinkers by assuming they know how to hold its vessel.
Yes, I mean most people don’t know how to hold a fucking cup.
A wine glass has a bowl. That’s where the wine goes. It also has a stem. That’s where your hand goes.
My father taught me this simple yet crucial posture when he poured me my first glass of wine. Since he has been drinking the same piss-flavoured lager for the past twenty-five years, I assumed the hand-to-stem connection was something universally understood, like the roundness of the earth and the superiority of Old Bay over every other spice.
Turns out it’s not.
I know it’s a lot to take in, but the stem is there for a reason. You needn’t fear crushing it with the Superman-like strength of your thumb and forefinger. Trust me. And if there’s no stem, it’s because you mistakenly believe that the “streamlined, modern” design of the stemless glass somehow makes up for the liquid buttered toast you’re knocking back. It doesn’t. And no, that Mason jar gives you no hipster cred – but you have just entered a whole new realm of douchebaggery.
I’m not asking much. Go ahead, keep drinking that fruit roll-up of a wine – but move your hand down a few inches so I can at least pretend you have a modicum of sense. And it’s not only for my sake. Your inexplicable stranglehold of the bowl indicates that the game hasn’t even started and you’ve already lost. The smallest of changes will instantly move you up the ranks of wine drinkers – you’ve left the “I’m out of college and now I drink wine from a bottle, not a box” category and progressed to the slightly higher “I guess I don’t have to put ice cubes in my pinot grigio” group.
Congratufuckinglations.
the racy mouthfeel 